If You Give a Bloke a Beer...
He'll ask for another. And another, and another, and another.
Once he's downed the beer, he'll let out a huge belch!
Then he'll ask you where the loo is. He'll go in the wrong one and get slapped in the face. He'll miss the urinal just like the other blokes.
He'll want to play darts. Another bloke will bet him fifty quid he can't hit the board three times in a row. Your bloke won't win the bet.
Then he'll want to watch some footy. He'll make a real Arsenal of himself. A Chelsea hooligan will spill beer on him and he won't even notice.
Then he'll want to go see a match in person. You'll have to drive him there and pay for his ticket since he blew all his money on ale. Once he's in the gate he'll realize you took him to a cricket pitch.
He'll then want to go STREAKING. He'll run through the crease and get smacked on the backside by the batsman. You'll have to bail him out of jail.
On the way home he'll see a cat. This will remind him to cat-call at the ladies on the other side of the street. He'll then trip over the cracks in the footpath. He'll bruise his head but later tell the other blokes he was in a sweet barfight.
He'll forget to ask you where the loo is and use the gutter instead. A bobby will catch him and throw him back in jail for the night. You'll have to call his girlfriend and tell her where he is and why you're not there with him.
In the morning, before he gets home he'll see another pub, and he'll want a beer.
This piece of crackfic is done in the style of Laura Numeroff's If You Give a Mouse a Cookie series of children's books. I doubt she had this in mind. :)