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invisionaryThis is my third story about the Suicide Kings. It can be read on its own, but if you enjoy the world you will likely also enjoy The Original Suicide Kings and the Revenge of the Suicide Kings.
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This letter was ripped out of a spiral-bound notebook, in purple ink, and a girl's hand that looked much younger than the author was.
Hey kid brother,
Wow. I can't believe I'm writing this. If you asked me if I'd ever write my little brother a letter a few years ago I would have screamed EWWWWWWW! And you know I would have! So I'm gonna just come out and say it: I'm gonna miss you a lot. Oh, and I have something else to admit.
I had a letter too. I never showed it to anyone and now I actually feel pretty bad about it. I burned it. I held back, pretending to be the strong one. It was before Roger died though. He didn't have a note, at least I don't think he did. But that's what saved me. I saw what it did to him and knew I couldn't do it to anyone else. But there was more.
I slept with him. It was silly and we were really young to be doing it, but it was all edgy and stuff. But I learned something about it over the years - there's no such thing as casual sex. You can sleep with as many people as you want but it connects you to every one of them. Straight or gay, young or old, regardless of anything it changes you and it changes them. I'll always carry that memory and a feeling that I wasn't worth it to him, and that I thought I mattered the very most and didn't. I think you remember just how angry I was but I couldn't tell anyone the real reason why. I feel bad now that I'm telling it to you here and not in front of the Kings.
Speaking of, I'm guessing you figured you'd have to take over for me. You don't have to if you don't want to, but I think they're expecting it, and I know they trust you. I haven't forgotten that stunt you pulled on Rachel, but I kinda wonder whatever happened to her. I knew she got sent off to a special school but I never saw her again - have you?
Anyway, I hope I don't have to do this again. I still don't know how I managed to get a free ride at Cornell, it's not like my grades were that good. For everyone's sake, I hope it wasn't because somebody told them about the group. I know there's a lot of people that contemplate suicide at college, even at really good schools - okay, especially at really good schools because of the pressure. But maybe the grownups won't be so useless. I hope. If not I'm gonna be pulling extra credit.
I know you look up to me, but I'm no hero. I did what I had to do and I never expected it to work. I don't get why people listened to me, or why when we gave a card to someone they knew they had to come. Or why nobody ratted on us after we locked them in and made them fess up. It shouldn't have worked. Maybe there's a God after all, but I don't know about that.
Oh, and about Mom and Dad - I never told them about the Kings. I hope you haven't either. Not that I think they'd get it. Nobody else did. Did you ever tell them you were gay? If not, I hope you can, because they need to know. People need to know they know you are. They might not get it either, but in time there's always hope.
So when are you gonna get a boyfriend already? I've been wanting to tease you and him for years now. :P I'll call you when I get to school, and if I don't, you have my email and IM, I'll let you bitch at me this time. Maybe. Nah, not really. But you can bug me anyway.
*hugs*
Amy
P.S. Nobody ever figured out that one rule. The penalty for being straight wasn't for playing five cards in a row, it was for not showing disgust after the last card was played.
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This letter was ripped out of a spiral-bound notebook, in purple ink, and a girl's hand that looked much younger than the author was.
Hey kid brother,
Wow. I can't believe I'm writing this. If you asked me if I'd ever write my little brother a letter a few years ago I would have screamed EWWWWWWW! And you know I would have! So I'm gonna just come out and say it: I'm gonna miss you a lot. Oh, and I have something else to admit.
I had a letter too. I never showed it to anyone and now I actually feel pretty bad about it. I burned it. I held back, pretending to be the strong one. It was before Roger died though. He didn't have a note, at least I don't think he did. But that's what saved me. I saw what it did to him and knew I couldn't do it to anyone else. But there was more.
I slept with him. It was silly and we were really young to be doing it, but it was all edgy and stuff. But I learned something about it over the years - there's no such thing as casual sex. You can sleep with as many people as you want but it connects you to every one of them. Straight or gay, young or old, regardless of anything it changes you and it changes them. I'll always carry that memory and a feeling that I wasn't worth it to him, and that I thought I mattered the very most and didn't. I think you remember just how angry I was but I couldn't tell anyone the real reason why. I feel bad now that I'm telling it to you here and not in front of the Kings.
Speaking of, I'm guessing you figured you'd have to take over for me. You don't have to if you don't want to, but I think they're expecting it, and I know they trust you. I haven't forgotten that stunt you pulled on Rachel, but I kinda wonder whatever happened to her. I knew she got sent off to a special school but I never saw her again - have you?
Anyway, I hope I don't have to do this again. I still don't know how I managed to get a free ride at Cornell, it's not like my grades were that good. For everyone's sake, I hope it wasn't because somebody told them about the group. I know there's a lot of people that contemplate suicide at college, even at really good schools - okay, especially at really good schools because of the pressure. But maybe the grownups won't be so useless. I hope. If not I'm gonna be pulling extra credit.
I know you look up to me, but I'm no hero. I did what I had to do and I never expected it to work. I don't get why people listened to me, or why when we gave a card to someone they knew they had to come. Or why nobody ratted on us after we locked them in and made them fess up. It shouldn't have worked. Maybe there's a God after all, but I don't know about that.
Oh, and about Mom and Dad - I never told them about the Kings. I hope you haven't either. Not that I think they'd get it. Nobody else did. Did you ever tell them you were gay? If not, I hope you can, because they need to know. People need to know they know you are. They might not get it either, but in time there's always hope.
So when are you gonna get a boyfriend already? I've been wanting to tease you and him for years now. :P I'll call you when I get to school, and if I don't, you have my email and IM, I'll let you bitch at me this time. Maybe. Nah, not really. But you can bug me anyway.
*hugs*
Amy
P.S. Nobody ever figured out that one rule. The penalty for being straight wasn't for playing five cards in a row, it was for not showing disgust after the last card was played.